Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
He felt like a one man threesome
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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