I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
