Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
