you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
