Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Randomize
