Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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