omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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