it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
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