I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
