I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
