im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
