Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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