I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
