I swear she didn't look like that last week.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
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