they need to just BURY HIM!
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
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