I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
