I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
