when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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