Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
