In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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