ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
