so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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