if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
