i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
