i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
jump out the window naked night went bad
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