jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
