Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
