You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
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