Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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