you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
