all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
