So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I'm going to jail i love you
ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
