I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
