he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
