She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
