if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Randomize
