Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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