The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Randomize
