Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
