airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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