So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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