we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
did i walk over a car last night?
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
