If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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