The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
