mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
