Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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