it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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