life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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