she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
