Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
We need to rekindle our bromance
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
