"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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