Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
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