The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
this hospital has no fireball
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Randomize
