now i know why i became what i already was.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
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