The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
